The Hardest Scene to Write
The hardest part of Sweet Gum Trees to write wasn’t one most people would think. The entire book is personal which leaves me in a vulnerable place. Don’t get me wrong. Ada’s story is not my story. Are certain elements the same? Yes. We both came from chaotic homes, we both thought we found our happily ever after in the form of an asshole, and we both pushed people away when we hurt. But this was not an autobiography written as fiction.
It wasn’t the major tragedy that struck Ada, nor the put downs that brought out a bunch of buried memories in me. It wasn’t even her breaking point. The hardest scene for me to write was when Ada and Greg were getting ready to go to Kenzie’s party. Weldon looks Ada in the eye and says “that boy is using you”. As Selma is taking pictures of them, Ada notices her dad giving her a sad, longing look.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Why the hell is this seemingly insignificant part of the book so hard? It’s not even a line that the story would change in its absence. This, however, is a direct link between Ada’s story and my own.
When I was in high school, the boy I was dating didn’t have a car, and I did. In Texas, it’s pretty much a requirement for life to own a car. There’s no public transportation and everything is so spread out it’s impractical to walk everywhere. Because of this, I ended up driving us around everywhere. Did I mind? No. I mean, looking back, I wish I had been able to just ride around and look like a pretty passenger princess, but it’s fine. My dad stops me one day and tells me that my then boyfriend was “using me for my car”. Of course, I very much had the same reaction as Ada. I felt like my dad was saying the only reason my relationship existed was because I had a car.
He passed away when I was 22, barely three months before I graduated from college.
The relationship with my dad never had the opportunity to be repaired, although there wasn’t really a chance for it to be. Fast forward to when I was writing Sweet Gum Trees, and I decided to add in this seemingly throw away line. I cried when writing this scene. It took me nearly ten years, but I finally understood what he meant.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t worth loving, or that the only good quality about me was my car. My dad was trying to tell me that he cared about me. He didn’t trust my high school boyfriend, and he wanted me to be ok. (I’m about to cry now writing this). He didn’t know how to say those words, or if he did, maybe he thought I understood what he meant. I was angry for so long without realizing what was actually being said. It was important to me to leave this line in for that reason. The longing look he gives her shows his pain and worry that Greg isn’t worth Ada’s time or energy – not the other way around.